i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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