the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
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How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
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I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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