Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Randomize
