he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
She has the best kind of daddy issues
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
