so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
