tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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