Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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