i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
