That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?