wrigley field is MILF paradise
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.