I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.