Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
19 Characteristics That Make People Instantly Attractive
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her