Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
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