im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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