I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
now i know why i became what i already was.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
