Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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