i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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