just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
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