I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
