I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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