The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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