I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Randomize
