He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
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He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
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Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
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