There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
as a side note pls kill me
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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