my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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