A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
