I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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