my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
