i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
