Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
