He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
