I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
