I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
