So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
