I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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