I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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