I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
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