At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Randomize
