thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
