You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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