you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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