I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
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