so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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