who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
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And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
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I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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