ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
