I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
