hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
