Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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