You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
you would pick up someone in the library
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize