remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
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I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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