hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
