I think I died a long time ago.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
