we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
