Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
