Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
