He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
