i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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