I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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