Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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