i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
