i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
