In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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